MARRIAGE RELATIONSHIP

I Timothy 3:4,5 reads "He (the elder) must be one who manages his own household well, keeping his children under control with all dignity (but if a man does not know how to manage his own household, how will he take care of the church of God?)."

The next three months we will be studying how to shepherd in our own homes recognizing that our families will expose every weakness in our leadership ability; weaknesses which God desires to expose in order that He can take us and shape us into spiritual leaders who will rely on Him alone to work in us to shepherd our families as well as the flock.

We will be using Wayne Mack's book Strengthening Your Marriage. We will focus on one chapter each month. You will be expected to spend at least two hours per week with your wife going through the assigned sections of the book. We will meet each week to discuss what we have learned and how this can make us better leaders. We recommend that you set aside one evening a week (or an afternoon) in which you will regularly go over the material in Mack's book with your wife. We hope that she will be encouraged enough that both of you would desire to do other relevant chapters to improve your marriage. A suggestion would be that every couple of years you review this material.

Month 1: The Husbands Role

This month we will work on Chapter 3 of Mack's book since we as husbands need to take the lead in shepherding our wives. Take about 2 hours each week to work through the chapter with your wife. We suggest the following format:

1. One person have Mack's book and read the outline. Remember this is an outline which is meant to stimulate discussion, so don't be afraid to go slowly. Better to not complete the assignment and work intensively on the relationship than to just race through in order to get done.

2. The other person ought to have his/her Bible open to the passage being discussed in order to check context, specifics, etc.

3. Don't feel that you have to discuss each point in depth. Rather concentrate on those areas which need attention. Try to get under the surface of your relationship. Remember that the devil may try to attack. If there is a loss of communication, remember to go to the Lord in prayer. If tensions rise so high that you cannot continue, stop for that day and set a time to continue the discussion.


HUSBANDS ROLE

1. Spend time in prayer alone, before the session, asking God to use these studies to deepen your dependence upon Him and your relationship with your wife. Use these studies to focus your daily prayer for your wife.

2. Begin the session with prayer and read pg 26-31 up to II pg. 31. Remember to take time on those points which need attention.

3. After the session at a different time alone, try to answer the questions:

1. How am I failing as a leader to my wife?
   
2. How will this failure(s) translate to failure as I try to lead the church?

Be prepared to share with the meeting with the leaders your insights to the above questions. Be certain to pray over the areas of need in you life.

Beware of the accuser (Rev. 12:10,11) trying to discourage you with his accusations as to your unworthiness to lead because of failure in your home. Remember the Lord is trying to teach you dependence on Him. We are all inadequate in ourselves (II Cor. 3:4-6)

1. Once again be certain that your time together is prepared for by prayer on your part. Remember the Lord is trying to teach us to be reliant upon Him and this is most apparent by our going to Him in prayer.

2. Read page 32 (II) -page 36. Really ask your wife to be open and listen to any criticism she might have. This is a very difficult section which requires much openness on our part if we will be able to receive the full benefit of our wife's input.

3. Sometime later after the time with your wife, answer the following questions:

1. In what ways am I failing in loving my wife? What steps can I take this week to alter that? Be specific!
   
2. How will failing to love the sheep lead to problems? What prevents me from loving my wife? The sheep? A look at I John 4:7-5:3 may be helpful here.

4. Be prepared to share the answers to the above questions and how God is working in you at the meeting.

Paper: Shepherding Growing Believers (page 117)

1. Prepare your meeting with prayer once again before you and wife have your time together.

2. Go over the question on page 37-40 (finish letter E)

3. Take time afterwards to begin a plan of attack on the 1 or 2 most glaring areas of failure. Write down what the plan will be so that you can check your progress in a couple of weeks. BE SPECIFIC!

4. Take some time to read the paper "Shepherding Growing Believers". Evaluate your shepherding of your wife with some of the practical suggestions in this paper.

5. Who else in the congregation do you see as a growing believer? Who is working with this person? What is being done to encourage pressing on?

6. Come prepared to share some of your insights with the men. What will be the consequences to the church of neglecting growing believers in the church?

Paper: Shepherding New Believers (Page 120)

1. Once again be prepared for your time with your wife by praying for her preceding your meeting. How have you seen God answer prayers over the last 3 weeks with respect to your wife and marriage? Have a time of praise and thanksgiving.

2. Go over page 40 F -45.

3. After your time with your wife, have a time of reconsecrating your life to the Lord which includes following Him in every area including your shepherding of your wife.

4. Draw up an agenda for growth for your wife. (See Eph 5:29). How will you MOTIVATE her to continue on in growth?

5. Perhaps the hardest thing to do is motivate people to grow. How will your failure in your home be reflected in your shepherding of the body? Be prepared to share your thoughts with the men at the meeting.

6. Read the paper "shepherding new believers". This paper could also refer to immature believers. Think of how the principles in the paper might apply to any in your home (notably children). If this doesn't apply to anyone in your home, think of a new believer in the assembly and plan to encourage them in accordance with some of the material you have learned.


COMMUNICATION

Month 2: Week 1

Paper: "Shepherding dead-in-the-water believers" (Page 122)

We will be using chapter 4 (communication) in Wayne Mack's book. Remember the primary and secondary purposes of these studies:

PRIMARY: Developing your relationship with your wife in order to establish your marriage as a strength against the devil's attacks. This will involve learning how to shepherd your wife.

SECONDARY: As you challenge yourself to grow in shepherding your wife, you will become a better shepherd of the church of Jesus Christ. He will use your home to expose your weaknesses so that YOU can further grow into the image of Christ.

Read pages 46-53 (Up to III) with your wife.

1. You might begin a study in your daily devotions in the book of Proverbs, looking for those verses about communication and noting what is taught. We seem to have a very low opinion about the power of words. This is evidenced by how careless we are in our use of them.

2. In what ways is good communication important in building relationships?

3. How can words be used in shepherding? Be prepared to share this when we get together.

4. Read the paper on "Shepherding dead-in-the-water believers".

What principles of communication can be of help in getting these back on the road?


Month 2: Week 2

1. Take some time to read with your wife pg 53(III)-59 in Wayne Mack's book.

2. Think about your own strengths and weaknesses in communication. How will these affect your ability to shepherd?

3. How has it already affected your ability to shepherd in your home?

4. Take some time to pray for yourself, and come to class prepared to share what you have learned.

5. Try to plan to speak to at least one person in the church on the phone or in person or even by dropping them a note to encourage them on in their walk with the Lord.

Month 2: Week 3

1. Read with your wife page 60-66 (L). This may take a little more time than usual since there are two sections where you will be looking up a number of verses on communication; so be certain to set aside a good amount of time.

2. Evaluate your communication with others in the church. What are your strengths? Weaknesses?

3. How has your effectiveness in communication affected the way you influence others? Where does your flesh tend to get in the way?

4. How well do you communicate with those in authority over you?

5. What are some things to keep in mind when making an appeal to authority? Have you taught these to your wife and children? Do you practice them?

Month 2 Week 4

1. Read 66 (M)-76 with your wife.

2. What do you tend to do with anger?

3. How will what you do with you anger affect the flock and your shepherding?

4. How will your anger tend to work when you are in a meeting of leaders (say an elders meeting)?

5. Are you sensitive to when you are operating under the control of Spirit verses operating under the control of the flesh? What are the warning signals which will indicate a shift of control from Spirit to Flesh?

6. What needs to be done when you realize you are being controlled by the flesh?

7. How can you enlist others to help you remain in the control of the Spirit?


CHILD REARING

Month 3 Week 1

This month we will use Unit 7 (On Raising Children) of Wayne Mack's book. As leaders, our primary responsibility is to our family. Within this sphere of shepherding responsibility our first priority is to shepherd our wife. Our second responsibility is to our children (if we have any). If you do not have children it will be helpful to go through this chapter in order to help shepherd others who have children. Since this chapter teaches many Biblical principles regarding child rearing, they will come in handy in the event you someday do have children.

1. Read with your wife page 113-122 (III).

2. Go back over the three papers so far on Growing Believers, New Believers, and Dead in the Water Believers. Which category do each of your children fall into?

3. Draw up plan to develop your children using some of the suggestions found in the papers (If you have a troubled child wait for next week to do this.).

4. Have a good season of prayer for you children. Prayer is perhaps the most important thing we can to for people under our shepherding responsibility.

Month 3 Week 2

Paper: Shepherding Troubled Believers (Page 124)

1. Read page 122 (III)-131 with your wife.

2. With your wife evaluate yourselves in light of the information on "avoid provoking your children to wrath". Pg 123 (2.)-125. What changes need to be made.

3. With your wife evaluate your discipline of your children in light of the information on Pg 128 (4.)-130. Evaluate each point. Where are your greatest needs for change?

4. How will your raising of your children be reflected in the way you shepherd the church? What do you see as being your major areas of danger?

5. Read the additional paper "Shepherding troubled believers". Do any of your children fall into this category? Develop a prescriptive strategy with much prayer. Seek help if necessary.

Month 3 Week 3

1. Read with your wife page 133-137 (up through H).

2. Be certain to evaluate your children with the charts on page 133 and 137. Take a good amount of time to share and pray for each child including committing a plan of growth for each of them.

3. How is careful evaluation and implementation of a plan important for shepherding?

4. Take time to pray over the ones with which you have relationships in the church. Who do you believe God would have you draw up beside for more personal shepherding?

5. Develop a strategy for shepherding this one. Be specific!

Month 3 Week 4

1. With your wife read page 138 (I) to 145.

2. Modeling is perhaps the most effective teaching. What are you modeling before your wife and children? A spirit-filled life or a flesh-filled life?

3. Make an evaluation of each area of your life. Write down those areas which need work and develop a plan for spiritual growth. (You might want to look at the paper "shepherding growing believers".)

Relationship with Wife:
Areas of need:Plan for growth:

Relationship with children
Areas of need:Plan for growth:

Relationship with the Lord
Areas of need:Plan for growth:

1. Daily study

2. Prayer

3. Fellowship with the saints

4. Service

Look at the above evaluation from time to time to be certain that you are progressing in your walk with the Lord. Review the chart and make changes as needed. You might want to be made accountable for implementing the above by working with a prayer partner.


CARING FOR THE FLOCK

There is a great deal of misunderstanding of what shepherding means (since we have so little contact with shepherds), so perhaps the best way to think of shepherding is to se the modern analogy of an athletic coach as a shepherd. Although the goals and methods of a coach differ substantially from the Biblical shepherd, there is much in common between coaching a team and pastoring a church. He is caring for his charges in such a way as to achieve a goal, namely, winning the game. This care is exercised in two ways.

1. The first is instruction. He will teach what the team and each individual player need to know by having chalkboard sessions in a classroom setting.

2. Then he will oversee what is actually going on in the field and put his charges through different drills designed to enable them to carry out their appointed task. He will often first demonstrate these himself and then coach them as they go through the particular motions.

Both instruction and oversight need to be given if the goal is going to be accomplished.

The same is true in the church. In most cases, we would tend to err on one side or the other, giving too much instruction and no oversight, or all oversight and no instruction. A careful balance must be maintained. We will see these two elements in the church.

For the sake of expediency, we can break the church down into four types of believers: growing believers, new believers, dead-in-the-water believers, and troubled believers.

The most critical person to be shepherded for the sake of the health of the church is the growing believer. Acts 20:28 makes this clear where Paul says "be on guard for yourselves," meaning the other elders. The growing believer will be bearing fruit and thus will sooner or later become a focus of spiritual attack. If he is not carefully shepherded, he is likely to become a casualty of the attacks and become a troubled believer. However, properly shepherded, he will be strengthened by the attacks and eventually join the other leaders, either as a leader himself (elder), or a helpers to the leaders (deacon).

I find it amazing that even though the growing believer ought to be the number one shepherding priority, he is often the last priority. Leaders spend a great deal of their time shepherding troubled believers, often at the expense of growing believers. This is short-sighted and destructive. Unless the leadership core of the church is growing, the church will begin to struggle and eventually stop growing. Elders, deacons, and other growing believers must be the top priority for shepherding.

How do we shepherd growing believers?

1. The primary way is to simply spend time with them. I find it interesting that Jesus spent most of his time with growing believers (his disciples) and he called them to "be with him". It is important to have a developing relationship with growing believers so that you can be there in good times as wells as in bad times. Growing believers will often withdraw during times of struggle and too often we let them go. Then when they fail, they go completely underground and often times because we respect their privacy, we will not go after them. I am not so sure privacy has as high a value biblically as we place on it in our Western culture. We need to go after them when they fail and encourage them that more can be learned from failure than from success. A failure is an opportune time to learn and to grow but often times growing believers need an objective person to point this out. Failure is used by the Lord to mature believers. If we stay with growing believers through their failures, they will mature quickly and soon join us in leadership.

2. We need to encourage growing believers. If we have not been properly shepherded and have not received much encouragement ourselves, we naturally assume that good soldiers just do their job and expect no pats on the back. Whereas we ought to be careful of ulterior motives, trying to manipulate others to do our will through flattery, I find a great deal of encouragement in Paul's letters. Paul knew that we all need encouragement if we are going to continue to stand fast in a hostile environment. In Hebrews 10:23-25, we see the importance of encouragement. We need to be just as willing to give lots of 'slaps on the back' when we see people growing and encourage them forward as we are willing to rebuke them in failure.

3. We need to learn how to focus their efforts in the Word. Growing believers will be studying the Word of God but often I find that they really don't know how to study in a way that brings about growth and change in their life. II Timothy 3:15, 16 makes it clear that the Word of God is meant to bring about transformation in our lives. (See also John 8:31,32) But so often our devotions (our daily study of the Word) becomes a hum-drum affair of dry ceremony. We need to keep up with growing believers to find out where and how they are studying in the Word. Very often they will need a challenge to try other methods of Bible study.

Most new believers rely on a survey method whereby books are simply read and they wait for God to "speak to them". But what happens once a person has surveyed the Bible four or five times? Other methods that could be used are inductive Bible study (se Navigator's Design for Discipleship Book 7) or deductive study using questions (see Search the Scriptures, IVP) or a topical study on a particular theme. I encourage growing believers to try to determine what God is trying to teach them in their life and then either study a book of the Bible with that particular theme or go to Nave's Topical Bible and dig out related verses on a theme to do a topical study on it. This can greatly enhance their hunger for the Word and encourage direct application to their lives.

4. Focus their prayer life. I don't think we are ever particularly comfortable with our level of praying. However, we ought to be growing in our prayer life. We ought to be praying regularly with another growing Christian and in this way learn from them as well as instruct them how to pray. We must be careful that prayer does not become routine and ceremonial but is an actual meeting with God in daily communion. We need to be ready to show a person how his prayer life is reflective of the way he views God. Some of the best growth in my walk with the Lord has come as other Christians have been willing to point out how my prayer life reveals flaws in my view of God. It is specially important to teach people how to resist the evil one through prayer. I recommend Harold Burchett's book, People Helping People, when believers come to this.

5. Growing Christians need to be involved in on-going discipleship. This may be group classes or actual books that can be read and applied to a believer's life. I have found the following books and authors helpful: Knowing God, J.L. Packer; Principles of Spiritual Growth, Miles Standish; New Testament Order for Church and Missionary, Alex Hay; People Helping People, Harold Burchett (especially the seven steps to spiritual growth); Normal Christian Life, Watchman Nee; Ordering Your Private World, Gordon MacDonald. I encourage elders to think of what caused them to grow and evaluate their spiritual growth and share this with growing believers in the congregation. They should also keep a list of helpful books.

We need to spend much time with growing believers in ministry. Leaders should be taking growing believers with them as they minister. Jesus valued opportunities for the disciples to see Him as He worked, so that they might learn by example how to minister. We need to take growing believers with us on evangelistic visitation, hospital visitation, shepherding visitation, counseling appointments, preaching opportunities, etc. A good rule of thumb is that leaders ought to do as little as possible by themselves. They ought to be drawing along side growing believers and encouraging them to come along.

As opportunities develop, growing believers ought to be encouraged to serve and take the lead in some of these ministries. The leader can then critique the growing believer afterwards and shore-up his methods. This kind of philosophy automatically requires that the leader himself focus his priority as well as help growing believers to focus theirs. Many growing Christians are stunted in their growth because of business. But it is really just busy-ness, coupled with an inability to prioritize and to do those things that are the most important. Both the leader and the growing Christian will be required to make the most use of their time. Jesus called busy people to follow Him. It required more than just a few adjustments to their schedule.

New believers, like babies, often grow without being told to or without quite knowing how. Therefore, much of what was said for growing believers can be applied to new believers. However, we would add the following.

1. Never assume anything. Remember how it was for you when you were a new believer. Avoid spiritual lingo which is not clearly understood by the new believer (and maybe not even by you!). Be careful that you give clear definitions for any spiritual term that you use.

2. Get them started immediately in the Word. Remember that the Holy Spirit can teach them all the hours that you are not around. A good thing to do is to get them to start surveying the entire Bible. Too many Christians have not even read through the Bible and it is good to encourage new believers to read through it as quickly as possible. It is important to realize that new believers will often find certain parts of the Bible boring. Even though you may be fascinated by Chronicles, they may not be.

For this reason, I usually recommend that a new believer not read the Bible cover to cover. Rather, a good way to survey the Bible is to break it up into several sections, and then read five chapters a day which, for an average reader, would take 20 to 25 minutes. The Old Testament (Genesis to Esther), the poets (Job, Psalms, Proverbs, and Song of Solomon), and the prophets (Isaiah to Malachi). The New Testament can conveniently be broken up into two sections: the Histories (the Gospel plus Acts) and the Writings (Romans through Revelations). Reading one chapter a day from each of these sections will easily enable a person to read through the Bible in a year. If a person finishes one section ahead of the others then he just starts that section over again.

3. Have the new believer incorporate prayer time with his reading. I often encourage them to use the five sections and employ a book marker with prayer requests on each one. This enables him to pray after each section of reading and so it keeps the prayer time short. Long prayer times for new believers can often be discouraging because it is hard to keep the mind focused for such a long period of time.

4. Encourage regular fellowship. New believers need to know why the church is relevant to their well being. Don't assume that they understand the importance of the church in God's plan. Our society values independence, not corporate inter-dependence. They need to recognize that the church is a home base where they can experience fellowship, shared values, shared goals, and a shared sense of purpose. New believers will soon find out enough how out of step they are with the world and may begin to wonder themselves if they are crazy. Without a good home base, they will soon be led to compromise their faith with the world.

5. Encourage service. New Testament believers were not encouraged to sit and soak for a few years before serving, but rather were expected to utilize their spiritual gifts immediately. Certainly we all are growing. However, we should not wait until we are grown before we serve. Much growth comes through service as we learn of the power of Jesus "on the job"' Encourage new believers to serve others in the assembly as well as unbelievers as God burdens them. I would not get too caught up in spiritual gifts since this often becomes self-centered. Rather, get them to focus on the ministry of the body.

A good plan is to take one of the growing Christians that you have had contact with and get them to shepherd new believers using the above concepts. This will keep you from getting over-extended.

This kind of Christian is the one who is bearing no fruit, even though he may be faithful in attendance.

1. The first thing the dead-in-the-water Christian needs is time. That is, time being exposed to a growing Christian. The enthusiasm and excitement of a growing Christian walking a supernatural walk is often enough in itself to motivate a dead-in-the-water Christian to break the cycle of passivity. I have often found that in trying to go out and talk to dead-in-the-water Christians, all they needed was the encouragement of a growing Christian spending a little time with them.

2. Try to find out what it is that is keeping them from bearing fruit. Often it is ignorance that they ought to be bearing fruit. John 15:8 shows that fruit-bearing is the proof of discipleship. One who is not bearing fruit and doesn't see any need for it after he has been made aware of it ought to be challenged as to whether or not he is saved.

3. John 15:7 says that the problem may be lack of prayer or lack of study of the Word.

4. Oftentimes a dead-in-the-water Christian was bearing fruit at some time but somewhere along the line got discouraged or had a failure and withdrew. Success is highly valued in our society and we don't accept failure easily. We need to teach people that God values our conformation to the image of Christ and this often involves apparent failures. We need to teach these believers to be God-centered rather than self-centered.

5. Often rebellion may be a problem. The passive, dead-in-the-water believer has learned to cover up his rebellion in a way that makes it inoffensive. When rebellion is exposed it needs to be pointed out that God looks on the heart and is deeply offended by his rebellious children.

Some questions you might ask to dead-in-the-water Christians are: Have you ever been fruitful? If so, in what areas? What caused you to cease bearing fruit? What burdens do you have? What needs do you see in the church? What is your prayer life like? What specifically do you pray for?

We will take our solution to caring for dead-in-the-water Christians from I Thessalonians 5:14. We need to be very careful to determine what kind of person we are dealing with.

1. If he is ignorant, we might use John 15:1-8, I Peter 4:10, I Corinthians 12:4-11. Also encourage a growing believer to spend time with a comatose one, actually taking him out in ministry with him.
2. Prayerlessness. Encourage them to find a prayer partner and share practical ways God has dealt with you in your times of prayerlessness.
3. Rebellion: unwillingness to serve. Use Galatians 5:13, 14 to show them that it is self-centeredness that is keeping them from serving the Lord. If necessary, an unruly brother may need to be admonished. Passivity cannot be tolerated any more than active rebellion. Both are equally sinful, even though passivity is usually tolerated far more in our churches. You might study Galatians 5:13-17.
4. Fatigue. To one that is tired out from ministry and perhaps has taken time off and is now finding it difficult to get back into things, give lots of encouragement. But also give practical help and training. The reason for burn-out is often that a person is in over his head and relies on fleshly methods rather than spiritual ones. Especially encourage him to recruit other to minister with him and even encourage him to get back into ministry with another growing believer you can recommend. You might even think of others in the church who have similar or complementary gifts and who can give further training and encouragement to these. Encourage interaction and then follow-up on that.

The troubled believer is a person who is in deep waters because of sin either in his actions or in his attitudes. I encourage a careful study of Ephesians 4:20-24. Sometimes new believers may fall into this category but often it is older believers, even ones who were at one time growing.

A careful study of Ephesians 4:20-24 and Romans 12:2 is important in working with these people. A critical feature we find in both of these passages is that the troubled believer is to have a renewed mind. Whenever a person is troubled, it is because of sin in his life. It may be active sin (wrong actions) or it may be sin that is hidden in wrong attitudes. Often there is a wrong view of God (especially who He is and what He has done in His atoning work) and a wrong view of man. Man is oftentimes elevated and it is thought that God deals very unfairly with us.

When shepherding a troubled believer, two things need to be kept in mind about God.

1. God is God. He is sovereign. He has absolute power. He can do all things and all things are working according to his plan. We are accountable to him; he is not accountable to us.

2. God is good. God's word restores reality, perspective and truth. Perspective of God can be restored as we pray God's word back to him.

A troubled believer's perspective about himself also needs to be restored. He is sinful, deceitful, evil and helpless. He is not weak but wretched (Romans 7). A man walking after his flesh will often blame everyone else including God for hidden problems. A mind must be undeceived. We need to turn on the lights. A person is accountable to God not only for his actions but also his reactions, for it is his reactions that often expose sinful, hidden attitudes. Many times we are sinned against but we are responsible to live righteously and not to sin in turn.

There is only one solution for the troubled believer: repentance. He must have a change of mind about self, about God, and about others. He needs to humbly accept the grace of God who forgives his sin and then walk in accordance with God's revealed will in His word. Usually some form of follow-up will be necessary. Once again, you might use a growing Christian to shepherd a troubled one out of the shadows and into the glorious light.

The shepherding that ought to be taking place in the church is extensive. But without it, the church will cease to become an organism and shortly become an organization. As you can see from the extent of the shepherding, the shepherding of growing Christians is most critical. Without them, there will be far too much work for the elders of the church.