The Covenant of Forgiveness
How can we practice this process of Restitution regularly? There are all kinds of ways of giving Restitution. The important thing is for the restitution to fit the sin. This takes a good deal of experience to learn how to exactly fit restitution to particular sins. Buy a good exercise is to look through Proverbs and find those things that the writer warns against as well as what he encourages in its place. Another good place to look is Ephesians 4:25-6:9 looking at the put-ons and put offs. For instance in place of bitterness (4:31) the restitution would be to put on kindness, gentleness and forgiveness (4:32).

We are going to outline a pattern that needs to be applied in every area where interpersonal relations occur. It needs to be applied whenever sin brings a strain or break in relationships. It will be essential in the Christian home, in the church, on teams, etc. We call it the Covenant of Forgiveness. It lays out a pattern of restitution that brings about Renewal.

The Covenant of Forgiveness is found in Matthew 18:15-21, under the section often referred to as church discipline. The Bible is very specific on this patter which is outlined to resolve interpersonal conflict. One of the major problems in our families and our churches is that we do not do what the Bible tells us to do--we have every excuse under the sun why not to follow the instructions in this passage. Leaders, as they study, will find that they need to have this pattern practiced thoroughly in their own lives, their families and their teams. I urge you: Learn it! You will use this for the rest of your life. There is no way around it, particularly for leaders in house groups.

To have a Covenant of Forgiveness you need two people. You need a villain and a victim. Who is normally the villain--Peacock or Turtle? Most peacocks take to role of the villain whereas turtles adopt the role of victims. The script tends to form early in the relationship (you might think of the marriage relationship). Each person operates from his or her adopted roles; but in a way each is a villain (since both sin), and the obvious villain is not necessarily the greater one. Turtles can fight just as well, and often more ruthlessly, as Peacocks; they just look better. We are going to study how Mt. 18 changes that relationship, working uphill the normal roles.

What is the victim's tendency when conflict erupts? Victims tend to take a beating, and continue to look Godly (and many times feeling as though they are Godly). They often go to others letting them know how hard their lives are, and receiving a lot of sympathy. Sometimes others will even intervene for the turtles since they are so bruised and do their fighting for them!

FIRST STEP: Confrontation
Now, according to Matthew 18:15, what is the victim supposed to do? The victim is supposed to confront the villain. Is that the normal victim role? No. Do victims want to go confront villains? No. Why not? Because they won't look like victims any more; they will look like a villain. They can no longer withdraw into themselves, and gain sympathy, often manipulating the situation and getting others to do their dirty work.

Confrontation means giving up any opportunity to manipulate; as a matter of fact, it forces them to do something they don't want to do. A victim has learned how to control others and situations by being a victim. Incidentally, turtles normally control relationships, not peacocks. It appears like the villain does, but he does not. The villain becomes a responder to the victim’s manipulation, often provoking them to villainy (although this is no excuse for their sin!) But the victim is often the one in control. Therefore, the best way to change

the relationship is for the victim to make a change.

So the victim needs to confront the villain. There are several things she needs to review before confronting the villain.

First the victim needs to have clearly in mind what God's purpose is in the confrontation. It is not to exact a pound of flesh, or "get even". It is not to control the villain or the situation. In Mt. 18:15 we see that the goal is "winning your brother"--reconciliation.

A second motive should be to benefit the villain by bringing revelation. This follows from the fact that everything we do should be motivated by love. So the victim needs to figure how the villain will benefit from the confrontation. This will greatly help the villain when the victim confronts, and as she prays for the outcome of the confrontation. As she prays over this, she needs to keep in mind long term benefits to the villain rather than short term ones. In the short term there will likely be more pain for her. Often the victim actually pays twice for the villain's crime: once when the crime occurs and the second time when the victim confronts the villain. Even if everything goes well, the victim normally goes through anguish and turmoil preparing for the confrontation.

These steps outlined in Mt. 18 may not seem to make a lot of sense, and it often does not appear, according to our human wisdom, that it will work. But it is God's command, His ordained process for working through conflict. And my own experience has shown God’s wisdom is far greater than ours. I have seen many relationships restored and transformed as Matthew 18 has been faithfully employed.

When the victim does confront the villain, she needs to do it in a Godly way. That means she must take the logs out of her own eye first (Mt. 7:1-5) and approach the villain with a humble and loving attitude. The victim needs to be certain that she has repented of any contribution to the problem and made restitution before confronting the victim. Often when this happens the need to confront disappears as God grants light to the villain and he repents without being confronted.

But once the victim has gotten rid of the specks in her eye, a question might arise as to: “Do I need to confront?” There are some signs that help us to know when a villain needs to be confronted.
First, if the victim does not want to confront his villain, the chances are good that she needs to. Turtles are beset with passivity. So one of the goals of Matthew 18 is to change the passive victim into an active minister of God’s grace to the villain. There will be growth at the very least for the victim.
Secondly, if the villain can be helped by the victim's confrontation, then he needs to be confronted. The victim needs to go to her brother in love, having already forgiven the villain for the damage done and thus can approach the villain with his good in mind.

Keeping in mind the victim may still have some specks in her eye, when she confronts the villain, she needs to do so with an open spirit, to try to get the villain's perspective on things. If there in any more specks to be removed she should do so quickly so that she can operate in the power of the Spirit having confessed all known sin and thus be walking in the light. One of the areas of pride we talked about was self-centeredness; victims are just as self-centered as villains. They often don’t see things from any other point-of-view other than their own.

If you are in a position of counseling a victim through the process of Matthew 18, you have to find God’s point-of-view. Do not focus on the villain (which is where the victim wants you to focus); focus on the victim, to get the logs out of her eyes so that she can go to the villain with what she sees as God’s view of what the problem is. Never jump to conclusions. Remain open. A good proverb is: "The first to plead his case seems just, until another comes and examines him." Proverbs 18:17)

So the first step in the Covenant of Forgiveness is that the victim must confront the villain. If you're dealing with someone who's been a victim for a long time, she may need a lot of Revelation, because before the step of Restitution (on the victim's) part comes you will encounter a lot of turtle barriers. And this may take some time and some trips around the Cycle of Renewal before she is ready to confront.

SECOND STEP: Confession
The victim confronts the villain and the second step should follow. The ball is now in the villain's court. If he executes the second step appropriately he will repent, confess, ask for forgiveness, determine what restitution is appropriate, and take the appropriate steps bringing forth fruit in keeping with Repentance.

But the spirit of the villain will be crucial. He needs to listen to the victim thoroughly, asking questions so he can have all the revelation possible. He should see this suffering as his opportunity to grow (Cf. Romans 5:3-5). He must accept the victim's point-of-view, especially if there is a perception of sin on his part. Once he has a thorough understanding of his contribution to the breakdown of relationship, he needs to confess all sins specifically, saying, "I was wrong for…."

If you wanted to put this scene to a script, the victim would have the first line. She would say: "You sinned, and you did so by..."

It's important for the victim to name the sin and make certain the label is Biblical. It is not helpful to be vague. For instance if she says the villain was not sensitive. This is not as helpful as saying “You did not live with me in an understanding way (I Peter 3:7) specifically by not even asking me if I thought we should by a boat for your fishing!” She also should confront in a gently way (I Thessalonians 5:14).

The villain responds with the next line: "I sinned by not following God’s command to love you sacrificially and understand you" acknowledging his specific sins, and then saying, "I was wrong."

This all assumes the villain is going to be walking in the spirit. The villain states: "I was wrong." In order to say that, he needs to have an attitude of humility—clearly a mark of one walking in the Spirit. By doing this, though, he is now taking on the role of the victim. He is allowing the victim to be right, and himself to be wrong. So the villain--the Peacock--has actually taken a position in opposition to himself--the humble servant, just as the victim took the opposite position of her normal script, now being the confronter rather than a mere passive responder.

If the villain is really sincere about this, he will allow the victim to cross-examine him after he has confessed. This is important; the victim needs to see the villain's spirit, which is one of humility, sorrow and repentance. Also it may bring about a much deeper repentance as attitudes, not just actions can be addressed.

Obviously we are saying that this is much more than a simply saying "I'm sorry". "I'm sorry" is not repentance. "I'm sorry" is an expression of an emotional state. Repentance is a statement of guilt and takes full responsibility for the action. Therefore, Repentance says "I was wrong, I am the guilty one”. Any statement with a “but” in it is not full repentance. For instance if the husband says: “Yes, I was wrong in not trying to understand you, BUT you don’t listen to me.” The “but” excuses the sin and therefore rejects ownership of this sin.

Most Christians do not follow the Matthew 18 process very well. Usually it goes down something like this:
The victim goes to the villain and says, "You hurt me."

The villain responds by saying, "I'm sorry."

Then the victim says "That's OK".

This accomplishes nothing. The center of the victim's world is still himself, not God. The villain has not repented (and thus remains at the center of his world). And finally the victim has let the villain off the hook. Everyone is still self-centered; no one has changed. An opportunity for growth is lost.

THIRD STEP: Forgiveness
The victim's appropriate response to the villain's repentance and confession is to say, "I forgive you." Saying "It is all right" is wrong. Is sin all right? Of course not! Sin is never all right! A person who sinned has sinned; he needs to repent and be forgiven. Sin can't be excused, it must be forgiven! If it could simply be excused Jesus would not have had to die on the cross. So the victim says, "I forgive you," thus canceling the debt and letting it go. The victim has already done this as a preliminary to the confrontation with respect to God, but now does so in the presence of the villain.

Others have written that forgiveness is a three-fold promise. When forgiving, the victim is promising:
¨ not to throw what has happened back up in the villain's face;
¨ not to tell other people about it;
¨ and not to rehearse it in her mind.

Since forgiveness involves this three-fold promise, we can refer to it as a covenant. Exercising the covenant of forgiveness enables a victim to take the place of Jesus in suffering unjustly. And this finds favor with God (I Peter 2:18-21). It will also bring a new release of the Spirit in the relationship.

FOURTH STEP: Restitution
The fourth step on the Covenant of Forgiveness is Restitution by the villain. Restitution resolves to find a way to keep from repeating the patterns that caused the problem. Restitution is not a promise--it's a plan. That is to say, a villain does not say, "I will never do this again," and it's over. Rather the villain says: "I am going to do this, to make sure what happened before can be dealt with in an ongoing way until new patterns are the practice of my life." Plans of restitution are often difficult, a lot of work, and painful on the part of the villain. But it will ultimately change both parties in permanent ways.